just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
