did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize