Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize