He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
They are going to name an STD after you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
