She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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