I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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