Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize