I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
