Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
