You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
