I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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