i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
