After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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