I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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