Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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