I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
