i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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