she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
