im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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