I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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