i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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