So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
