You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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