i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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