We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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