That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
