I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
