you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
