i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
did i walk over a car last night?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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