I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
