I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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