Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
