So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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