I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
