I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
