He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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