Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize