So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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