Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
