She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
