I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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