peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
