He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
