i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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