My Higher Power is John Stamos
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
