So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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