We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
