Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They have beer where we have blood.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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