dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
