Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
