my mouth tastes like poor choices
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
