you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
