OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
