dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
