who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm bleeding and have questions
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize