take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
