I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦‍♀️
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
