The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
