took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
